{thoughts on aging}
I was thinking about color all day today since we just got slammed by 12 more inches snow and all I can see for as far as my eye can take me is white, white and more white. Just when I thought Spring was at my door step! {Sigh}. I've been feeling a little blue lately. Not from lack of sunshine and warm air but my insides feel alone and afraid and it's scary to say it out loud as I'm not a blogger known for revealing these intimate bits...
happy feet
happy feet
Ranunkel by Julie Grath & Little Shoes by Brooklyn Tweed.
My grandmother nearly passed away a few weeks ago and she is now in hospice hanging on with an oxygen machine and lots of hope. I'm falling apart inside watching her last moments like this. I'm very sensitive to the pain of others, to their fights and worries, and though Millie is a fighter part of me really wishes she'd allow herself to rest now. No more pain, no more tears, no more lonely nights...
A lovely, lovely lady in all ways. Originally a singer from Chicago, she's now nearly 90 years old. When I spent time at her bedside recently we sang old show tunes and laughed and for a moment, I felt like perhaps we'd pull out a deck of cards and play poker or gin rummy like old times. And she'd win. She always beat me at cards. I miss those days so much that my heart aches. We'd eat homemade bread (she braided these gorgeous loaves that tasted just a little sweet) or order out for pizza, something that I always enjoyed doing with her more than anyone else. I cannot explain why.
When you're in your thirties and the people you love start to fade away it becomes a scary time. My mother is in her early 60's now, I feel slightly worried for her because I know she is upset seeing the lines, the gray hair, the signs of aging that come through no matter how good your face cream was and how much SPF it had. It's just a part of the process. And though my family ages beautifully on the outside, none of us do it very well emotionally, on the inside.
I am only a young girl compared to my mother or grandma (I have no right at this age to complain about growing old) because I am mid thirties but even now I recognize the slight differences from when I was 25. They are slight, but noticeable still. And I wonder how it will feel when I am 60, 70, and beyond. I also wonder why and if I should have children. My window will close and I know I will regret not having at least one child. But I still feel very young on the inside which often confuses even me. I feel younger than I am and so I am sometimes tricked into thinking I have another ten years to consider having a child. But I don't. I need to consider having children sooner, not later.
Thinking about aging... I wonder if older ladies are simply like this: young girls trapped inside of aged bodies, still admiring the young men, yearning to combine the beauty of youth with the wisdom of the years? When I look at my grandmother, I see a young girl perched on a piano in Chicago in a beautiful gown singing to the sailors. I see her vibrant bright blue eyes and wonder what it's like to be her, today... now... so many years in the distance from those bygone days. Millie still flirts with men, she lights up when my husband walks into the room and always tells him how handsome he looks and melts when he grabs her hand. It's so cute.
I found some images showing a few of the color combinations that I naturally gravitate towards that I'd like to share. They remind me of grace, beauty, colors I love that also remind me of Millie. In fact, I can see her wearing a floral scarf or her pretty 'clip on' pearl earrings, a white skirt, and shiny mint green high heels.
house lights
aaa17 by Nina in Vorm & Under the Leaves
Comments
On top of that, my grandmother, the one who I thought was fine with aging, is beginning to show some deeper emotions that no one in the family ever knew she had.
Every day I look at myself in the mirror and aim to be okay with my body's inevitable decline, because I know that sadness doesn't make it any easier.
Thanks for the revealing post. It's going to stick with me for a while. Your grandmother sounds like such a sweetheart.
If you´re frightend, you might not find the energy/time to work creative anymore: I´m working in a "creative" profession as well...I had the best ideas ever since my doughter was born.
There is never the perfect time to have a child today - if it ever was.
Don´t be frightened.
I'm so glad you have happy memories of your grandmother. When my grandfather passed away recently I wrote a whole bunch of happy memories and photos I had in a blog post. Family members stopped by the blog and added their own memories. It was a special post for everybody to read and something we could all take part in no matter where we lived. I hope you are able to have a meaningful time/conversations with your family these days. =)
About aging, I think it's not always a bad thing. When I look at my maternal grandmother for instance, she is always up and about, going out with friends, enjoying herself, something she didn't have time for when she was younger. But off course there is also the physical aging... And that must indeed be hard at times...
But one thing I find is that worrying about it doesn't help. I recently went trough a little worrying spell myself and it really is a vicious circle. The best and at the same time hardest thing to do is to break the circle and concentrate your energy on something positive.
I hope sunshine will come back to you soon..
Seeing things from you childhood get shaken up was one of the hardest parts for me, so it sounds like we are on the same page. I was happy to learn that once your childhood favorites (both people and things) are long gone, there is always a chance to make new memories - and your past will always be in your heart.
I know what you mean about the aging thing - it's not at all what I imagined it would be like. I DO feel very, very young, and I'll be 40 this year -ack! I'm married to my high school sweetheart, and it sort of compounds that feeling that I'm not really aging b/c we still have so many goofy jokes from 20 years ago!!
I'm sorry about your grandmother and hope that she will have a peaceful passing. You and your family are lucky to have this time with her to say goodbye.
I have so many friends and family who seem to think that having children is the ending of an era, or somehow the end of them, but I often ask them, and will ask you, if you were your grandma right now, today where she is in hospice what would you want surrounding you? Is it your career, or your beautful things, or your memories of days filled with freedom? Is is the pictures of travel or the trinkets of accomplishments? Will this be enough for you then? I trully believe for some people it will be, but I do think a lot of the people I know who have chosen to pass the baby stage of life will be very lonely. I am the first to admit being the mother of 3 with a 4th on the way that I am biased to the joy of children, I just often wonder if people who choose to not have them have considered the christmas' they'll never have with grandchildren or the joy of loved ones in times of heart ache. I pray that the time you have with your grandma in the sunset of her life will be the best memories and the most special in the same way the setting sun always allows for some of the most beautiful of photographs. May this time of sorrow be trully filled with the most beautiful glimpses of light.
I lost my grandmother over the summer, a month after my husband lost his grandmother. It was so hard, but all through it I felt so lucky to have had her in my life for 27 years. I still miss her terribly, but I am grateful to have known her so well.
I hope your grandmother finds peace. There is no doubt that she is surrounded by love in these tough days.
I am envious of the relationship you have with your grandmother, she sounds like a wonderful person. My grandmother died when I was a teenager and I never spent the time to get to know her. I regret that now.
last year my mother and father both turned 60 and my grandmother turned 90 and for some reason it just really hit home for me that they won't be around forever. it was almost shocking to think of it. (so, i try not too i guess.)
lately i have really felt like i am a 20 year old girl trapped in a 32 year old body. when people ask my age i actually have to stop and think for a second. i don't feel like a grown up yet. and sometimes i think that i should feel/act/think more "mature" than i do.
i hate that the older i get it seems that time goes by faster and faster.
i wish we had a pause button for life once in a while :)
It's all really hard to figure out Holly. But it was nice to have this virtual cup of coffee with you and think about things and not feel like I'm the only one.
And I wish your grandmother a lovely song for comfort and peace... xoxo
Thanks for sharing at such a raw time.I am glad you are relishing the memories and creating more memories (albiet bedside) with your Dear Grandmother. The circle of life is hard.Joyous and ache-
ing also.
I just turned 52, so it looks like I'm the oldest by a long shot here!
Aging has been hard the last 2 years. Mainly because I was a Natural Beauty for most my life.
Never had to try and got far too much attention for it.
So the transformation has been sobering,grounding,terrifying and only now I am beginning to find~
liberating.
There is alot to write and say.
But not here.
Thanks for an amazing post,as always Holly.
Tina
I am forty, ageing well, with 3 kids but I feel so young inside,I do not want to loose my lust for life never.
You are in my thoughts dear one.
xox
Ez
Thank you!
sx
Thank you for sharing
Emma x
this way..>http://terireeswang.blogspot.com/
It's not about wrinkles (I don't really have any) or gray hair (very few grays), it's about realizing that you no longer have limitless time to accomplish things. It's about realizing that your opportunities are diminishing.
But the absolute worst is seeing my parents age. They're in their late 60s and in good health. They also look young for their age and take care of themselves. But still, it's horrible knowing that things will only get worse physically from now on for all of us.
If I could do it all over again, I'd probably have kids in my 20s.
Just this week my father visited and she sent with him a wooden tea box for me. Inside I found lots of her precious items wrapped in pink, peach and mint cloured sheets of tissue. Some of the items were very old brooches and pins, costume jewellery paste pearls and clip on earrings, others were little bows and ribbons from her childhood and a few bits left over from her teddy bear making. I feel honoured as her only grand-daughter amongst her several grand-children to have been gifted this special treasure box and I will keep it safe in the hope that I will be lucky enough one day to have a daughter of my own to pass this on to. And so the cycle continues I guess.
Much love. xoxox
xo
Melis
Maybe I'm too young to know how I'll feel when I'm older, but at this point all I'm worried about is losing the people I love. I can live with wrinkles and gray hair, depleted stamina and fake teeth, as long as I have my loved ones.
My heart breaks for you, as I too have lost a very dear grandmother once. It's been 10 years, and I still see her in my dreams, come back to life, and play with my 5-year old self in her old home that I loved so much. Some things just stay with you forever. I wish you all the strength and love you need to feel supported.
On the baby front, I say just do it. Don't wait, don't plan. Just let be. You will be amazed how much (more) zest for life you will have once your teeny tiny arrives. There is no way you will regret any minute of it. Ever. Seriously.
Much love,
Asli
Great post. Enjoyed it :)
Beautiful post; I came here looking for the archives of the DNA pendant you bought for your home in Germany, and now I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, wondering if I should think more seriously about having kids!
Thank you for taking chances and writing from the heart.
I was astounded one day when someone referred to me that way. Even if we age gracefully, society does not allow it. Now that I am aging, I feel a vast difference in the way I am treated. And my job is in jeopardy. Everyone in my age group here in the office knows we will not be able to find jobs should we be let go. That's almost more terrifying than the ailing health.
I've been through a very stressful time over the last year and the difference in my face is astounding. I don't recognize myself. I even had someone call me granny the other day. I cried quite a bit after that one - I am not old enough to be a grandmother.
And I can tell you this, I am much older than you. You always feel the same inside. I still have sexual desire, but I am not desireable. I still feel like a scared child on the inside. I'm still a girl, and I still like girly things. I get very annoyed when someone says a pair of shoes, or earrings is too young for me.
My knees hurt and I am so tired all the time. I wish that I could afford to retire. What scares me most is that it is possible that I will die before ever realizing any of my dreams.
Sorry for going on and on. I guess this post struck a cord with me. In closing, there is one thing I'd like to mention. Why is it we are considered old most of our lives? Isn't it foolish to consider someone not in their 20s old? With our lifespan that would mean we are young for only two decades and then old for five? That doesn't make sense.
And, oh yes, I wish everyone would stop calling me ma'am. I realize that used to be a term of respect, but it is no longer so.
Take it from me, I wanted children, but never found the right man. Don't take that for granted, many of us never find that.
Much love to you.
This is so beautifully honest. I think we're about the same age, you and I, as my Grandma is 92 and I just lost my Barba in September. It's always hard to lose them, and to watch them lose their abilities. Selfishly, I guess we're lucky to still have our grandmas in our thirties. But it does give us the gravitas of thinking of our mothers and ourselves growing older. I hope your Grandma knows how lucky she is to have such a kindred granddaughter who obviously loves and respects her.
Hugs to you both,
Lisa.