Longing vs. Having

I've been thinking so much lately about my life as an expat and the fact that I've lived in Germany now for nearly 8 years. In fact, August this year will mark my 8th year living full-time in Germany. It's unreal to think back and imagine how different life would be for me if I had stayed in the United States. My mother, who lives in Boston, turns 70 in August so I may go back to spend time with her. That's a big number and certainly must be scary for her as I personally would fear growing older after hitting 65.

I think about retirement and what it will be like someday, when Aidan is all grown up and gone, and I'm just a little old lady. Maybe I'll still be blogging then, who knows.

Can you imagine being a senior using Instagram and blogging? I love the thought of it. Seems like a great way to keep yourself young and involved in life. But I also think that by the time I'm 65 or 70, I may not care about taking a selfie or styling my tabletop for an Instagram photo just-so. I sure as hell won't give a shit about avocado toast or the unicorn trend! ha ha! But enough about retirement and old age. Lets get back on track with expat life.

I wonder, if you are an expat, do you feel your life is better because of it or do you regret leaving your homeland?

I have no regrets at all. None.

Moving abroad was the best decision I've ever made outside of starting my blog (which gave me so much career-wise) and having a child. Those things made my life so, so good and I'm grateful to be living in Germany and to have a chance at life abroad. I doubt I'll ever go back. I think about it from time to time, like maybe going back and this time, living in Southern California or go back home to South Carolina and live in Charleston or my second home, Boston. I miss some things about living in the United States, but I don't miss a lot of the shit happening over there right now and I'm not ready to go back and deal with that every.single.day like my friends are. They write to me frequently complaining and telling me I'm so lucky to be away from that noise. I guess it is a blessing then to be here.

I sometimes wonder if I am missing out somehow by not living in America anymore. If you left the United States, do you ever get this feeling of missing out, also known as FOMO?

Maybe I'd have more work and even more success? Maybe my son would be happier there? Maybe I would be happier raising him American vs. German? I know I'd make a lot more money doing what I do in the United States. But money isn't everything. I also think about moving to another country within the EU, because legally, I totally can. Except the UK (thanks to bloody Brexit. I think mostly of living in south of France. I have always wanted to live in France and study French. I also love Italy and the language as well. If I lived in south of France, I imagine having a stone cottage near the coast, a small design shop with a reading corner and cafe with a large terrace, and letting Aidan grow up near the sea as I did - growing up around the surfers and the sand and the salty air. I miss surfers, sand and salty air so much. I want to entertain outdoors under the stars, a large wooden table, great music and happy friends in my yard.

But now I wonder, are people surfing in France? Because now that I think about it, I don't know if they surf there. I'm from such a surfing culture that I automatically think if you live near a beach you own a surfboard but that is silly and not true.

My childhood was nothing but saltwater days and night walks on the beach. I miss it so much. Part of me died when my family relocated from South Carolina to Boston when I was out of high school. I couldn't get used to New England. For awhile, we lived across the street from the beach and then later, we lived on the beach and then, we had a swimming pool in our yard... But none of this meant anything to me. I missed seeing big waves, surfers, going to pool parties, going to the beach at 3am to watch the giant turtles come on shore to lay their eggs, I just missed southern people, southern life, the casualness of it all. Boston is anything BUT casual.

Aidan LOVES the water. I mean, he loves it. He could be in the water day and night and be happiest. I never thought someone could love water that much. He also loves being in his shorts and t-shirt, messy hair, and putting on a hat in the middle of summer - like a little surfer boy. How does it happen that you give birth to someone and they automatically love a lifestyle that is so dear to you? And we don't even LIVE that lifestyle. Our home is at least 2 hours from a beach. My husband hates shorts and never wears them. Yet our son is a total beach bum. He keeps asking me when I'll take him to the beach again.

Life is funny isn't it? I'm here in Germany, dreaming of living in South of France. But maybe France isn't my destiny. Maybe it's Denmark on the water. Or northern Germany on the water. Or Italy on the water. The sad news is my husband has zero interest in living in a sunny place. He loves the four seasons. And he has no interest in the beach, in fact, he finds sand and laying out sweating and beach life in general deplorable. I love the salty air, being in the sun all day and then showering afterwards (ah no better feeling than a shower after a day at the beach right!?) To me, there is nothing better than beach life.

Nothing at all. And this is where I'm at currently. Should I stay in Hannover forever when my heart longs for the sea?

xo
Holly

(photograph: mick mingle)