{much better now, danke}

i feel much better about my delayed furniture order. i've waited for this opportunity to live in germany since october 1999, i can certainly wait for furniture until october. it's not the end of the world. and my haus maus friends who left comments, and who wrote to me through email with your encouraging thoughts... thank you for putting me back into perspective. it's really a cultural thing. we americans want it now. but the whole world knows how we are. and europeans are generally annoyed at us for this behavior. the feeling is overall that if we ordered something today, it should have arrived yesterday, that's somewhat our culture and it's a hard thing to grow out of. i'm learning! i'm so very excited to soon be in germany and to enjoy the rest of summer there, see my friends and family, take in the culture, food, and lifestyle of europe in general. i love the nature there, the air, the relaxing sundays when everything is closed except for a few bakeries in the early morning. we go out to one of our favorite bakeries and they wrap yummy treats for us and we have tea and sweets for breakfast in the forest on a park bench and watch the red squirrels with the huge fluffy ears. that's what it's all about. i think my reaction to late furniture runs deeper. it's overall anxiety. i tend to be a little uptight lately. it boils down to needing a vacation, a long hot bath, relaxing, and feeling loved by friends and family. lately i've been spending too much time alone. i'm constantly writing, working, running errands, going at a very fast pace. i work so hard i accept few invitations from friends. i am invited out weekly and tell everyone i cannot make it. this is sad! but i am holed up in my office busy at work. there are so many deadlines, emails to answer, research to conduct, it can be quite hectic. and usually it's all fine but lately with summer never coming, rainy days since november for the most part... it's all a bit much i think. i seek calmness. i have so much inner joy, but the anxiety to 'get it all done' before i leave in two weeks has taken over. you see i'm a southern girl at heart, i was raised on the beach in beautiful south carolina watching surfers and building sandcastles, sipping iced tea on the porch, having our weekly family breakfast on saturday (biscuits and gravy, grits, eggs, bacon). unhealthy breakfasts but as a child it was fun to just be with my parents and eat my dad's kentucky cooking. i loved playing with our dogs in the backyard, roller skating, decorating the house alongside mom. back then it was all about enjoying life at a very mellow, easy pace. i want to reclaim that girl again. she's still just below surface. somehow over the past several years between my crazy professional career, feeling constant stress there because people were not really people (more like aggressive animals behind your back and so lovely to your face), and then now as a writer, business consultant, and decorator (yes, i know i do too much) i've lost a bit of my casual grace. i love what i do for a living and i'll most likely keep blogging for years to come, but i've become a bit heavy-hearted vs. the happy, light-hearted girl people have long praised me for. i clearly need to chill. when a postponed furniture order sends me into meltdown i need to change something. so with that, i'm going to work on chilling out. i need to spend time in the moment and not obsess so much about how my apartment will look. i cannot worry about these things. i am not going to germany to decorate my apartment, i am going there to be with those i love, see new friends, make a few more, travel around, go to flea markets, hold my husband's hand as we walk through the forest near our apartment... you know -- live my life within a new land. breathe in... breathe out. everything is better, much better now. danke.